GUNNISON, CO – Wearing black and looking more sullen than usual, Anthony Delamore says recent campus shootings which grabbed news headlines really piss him off.
“I was planning a school stabbing spree on every day some hoodie-wearing prick took the easy way and shoots himself a bunch of sheeple. Seriously – you can check my desk calendar – I made an X in my own blood on each day I was ready to rage, and some shit grabbed my thunder with his pussy-ass gun. I mean, fuck me, I hope they’re happy.”
Anthony, or Todesengel – German for “Angel of Death” – as he prefers to be called, says bad luck has plagued him since he began purchasing knives for his regularly postponed, but hopefully eventual, campus stabbing rampage.
“First time, 2005 – I wanna be the next news after Columbine and I’ve picked up sweet knives and got my path of destruction all laid out. I holstered up that morning – seriously, I was so pumped I didn’t even need to cut at myself for a week before.”
“Oh, the morning news? Some inconsiderate ass on a Michigan reservation kills a bunch of kids in home room. Shit – what are the chances? So I have to abort and just go to school that day, and pull a ‘D’ on a pre-algebra test. Because I didn’t think I’d need to study.”
“But I figure – okay, that’s only one, I’ll try again; I’m no quitter.”
Asking Brenda Hagen, a classmate, if she thought Anthony was a “quitter” because he hadn’t yet initiated a campus bloodbath, the popular sophomore admitted she didn’t know him well.
“He stays to himself most times, I don’t think he dates. The kids tease him a lot because he never makes eye contact. Plus he’s pale and wears black all the time, so who can take him seriously? I guess he’s like a loner, so I really don’t think about him much.”
Anthony admits he returned to the drawing board after the Michigan upset, consoling himself with the video game World of Warcraft against online opponents. “I’d psyche myself up doing that or posting in some neo-Nazi web sites; when I was posing as a fascist or pitting my Forsaken blacksmith against a nameless Alliance dwarf – that’s when I felt most real.”
“By the way – if I haven’t said it before, if you want sweet blades, craigslist is the man. Or craig is the man. Or anyway, that’s where to get killer knives. You do your research, because racing down a hallway trying to stick classmates with a cheap or awkward knife is just torture; I’ve done some dry runs, and thank God I did.”
“Anywho – I’m all ready to fly again, just a couple weeks ago, and goddammit if this Cho doesn’t hit Virginia Tech. With guns, duh, way to be creative, dick. I’m thinking, Christ, I am Fate’s fucking finger puppet. And again I almost fail out of Algebra. If this shit is gonna keep happening, I’m gonna need math tutoring.”
“I’m so ready, which is the bitch of it. I picked up a couple Buck and three Kershaw, nice hunting knives with a clip point, so they’re also good for gutting and skinning. I like a fixed blade – I like the strength and having a bunch of sheaths hanging off me makes me look bad-ass.”
“Don’t get me wrong; I won’t be skinning or gutting when I roam the Chem building and then slip through the Library; I just wanna stab and kill a bunch of these popular smugheads. I’m not some Satanist poseur, taking souvenirs and what not. That means stopping and cutting, and one, that takes time, and two, I’m a stabber.”
“And not a shooter, I repeat. Because you gotta up and give ‘em a fighting chance. There’s no ‘repeating’ knife, no ‘assault’ knife – one stab at a time’s what I say.”
“So I don’t care how many records you break my friend, how many students and faculty you send to Hell’s door, if you did it with a gun or a shotgun or a sniper rifle, hell – it just shouldn’t count. That’s bullshit if that counts. And then take yourself out with a gunshot to the head? Shit, try it with a knife if you’re so tough, asshole.”
“Anyway – I keep telling myself it’s cool – plenty of slaughtering days before Christmas, I always say. I just pray I don’t finally pick my moment and then some grad student doesn’t shoot me first.”
