Once again, we are shaken and shocked to learn some amped punk has gone on a murderous rampage. This time it was in my hometown of Salt Lake City, Utah (where the crazies are more likely to carry concealed spouses than concealed weapons) – but we know it can and does happen anywhere.

And once again, the gunman got it all wrong.

Because he was killed last.

Kids, if you’re terminally unhappy about (a) the waterpolo squad giving you “swirlies” in the locker room toilet; (b) the spotty attendance at your Lone Gunman parties; or (c) some chick bringing you up short with a “hold it, hotrod, those are marital areas,” please, do not take it out on everyone.

You’re feeling down and rightly so … because you’re probably a loser – so kill yourself first and get to the point.

Don’t kill the teachers, or the bullies, or the bystanders. And don’t kill your parents or family (although it would save them having to explain your chickenshit behavior to the various news carrion).

Don’t cause all this random mayhem … and only THEN, FINALLY, off yourself, either committing suicide by cop or with a desperate handgun to your own temple while cornered like a dog behind the Calphalon in Williams-Sonoma.

First, it’s wasteful – how much ammo do you wanna be shelling out for? Second, you’re clouding the issue; we’re all left wondering – did he really hate the JV wrestlers? Did he despise the Old Spaghetti Factory? Did he really want to whack the 7 year-old via ricochet? You see, it’s confusing; all your MySpace blog rants notwithstanding.

Finally – you don’t come off bad ass, you come off lame ass. This isn’t storming a bunker full of aliens, Game Boy; there is no macho for taking out the innocent and unprotected. Whoo-hoo, I’m a big man, I killed the unsuspecting and unarmed. Game over, stud.

So, please kids, think. If you’ve taken a heartbreak, or lost your night job at Sonic Burger, before you decide to go on your rampage, your killing spree, your bloodbath – be a man and point the gun at the problem.

Kill yourself first.

And if you still feel up to it afterwards, then you can kill someone else.