LAPEER, MI – As the untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith spread through the media as if it were real news, 15-year-old Timothy Darby, like many men young and old alike, took his sudden despair to the one place he could find the privacy he needed — the bathroom at the end of the upstairs hall.
“Anna’s gone, Anna’s gone, how can she be gone? It seemed only yesterday she was so alive, hiding the fatherhood of her recent child and becoming embroiled in a medical fraud settlement. Or letting a nip slip at the premiere of ‘Employee of the Month.’ She was so full of life then. And by life, I mean Percocet.”
Tommy knew he needed to make a special effort with Anna’s passing; that this was not just another quick memorial before his parents got home.
“I wanted to reflect on how much Anna, I call her Anna, has meant to me, and it seemed like I what I really needed was a private bathroom ceremony. So I dug out her 1993 Playmate centerfold from the ham radio manual I keep it tucked in. But I also went the extra mile; I opened a brand new pair of tube socks my mom just bought at T.J. Maxx. And I got a pretty Glade candle from the pantry and went into the bathroom and locked the door. And just took my time remembering her.”
“I just kept remembering her, over and over, until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Now I feel calm. And a little sleepy.”
Heart pounding with relieved grief, Tommy tucked the special memorial sock into the very bottom of the laundry room hamper. “I’m ashamed I have to hide my love, but my parents wouldn’t understand. Well, dad might. ‘Cause I stole the centerfold from his garage stash. And p.s., he’s into some weird shit.”
Tommy admits that while Anna will always have a special place in his sock drawer, he knows he’s going to have to move on. “I’m young, I can’t let this stop me, I’m gonna find love again. But who, who? Sure, many of today’s media tarts are future Reality TV material, with plenty of rehab to look forward to, and the requisite ta-ta’s, but can Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan in all their surgically-implied glory ever really take the place of my Anna?”
“Hell, I’ve got another sock here, let’s find out.”