AUSTIN, TX – With a nod to its aging members, the American Pedophile Association announced today in a press conference across the street from Bennion Elementary that more is now less; for the Boomer generation, 25 years old is the New 10.
Dixon Smalls, secretary for the APA, explained how the shift is anticipated.
“If you can get past the developed breasts and trim body hair, it is not hard to see how today’s 20-somethings are a reasonable target for the Boomer that dabbles in children. Here is a generation so developmentally delayed that a 25 year old kid, or “woman” as I hear they prefer to be called, acts easily 10 or 11 years old.”
“They pout, they listen to awful music, they do everything but play with dolls, and even that’s not unheard of. I’m sure in time we’ll grow to accept big girl panties. One question – what’s a ‘thong’?”
Many pedophiles at the conference quickly embraced the new standard.
“I love the idea,” said Purvis Nechtsdohr, a long-time pedophile and practicing grade school teacher. “They have their own car, you can meet them in public, their mother doesn’t monitor their MySpace page, and right out of college their self-esteem is usually shot to hell. And if you sleep with their friends, no one makes a crack about you ‘working your way through the troop’.”
Fingering the sash of a tired trenchcoat, Pervus did seem wistful as he added, “Of course, I’ll miss the rush of authority. But god, if I never have to whisper ‘If you tell anyone about the Married Game, your mommy will make you go away forever’ again, it’ll be worth the cost of a sushi dinner.”
Still, not every pedophile is happy with the changeover. “I enjoyed the interchangeability of young male and female bodies. Now I’ve got to deal with either ass hair or jugs,” lamented one. “And they’ll want to have their own orgasm – how is that fun for me?”
“I don’t get off on the smell of musk,” added another. “I liked the smell of peanut butter kids always had.”
A third just resigned himself to the new world with a sigh. “At least I don’t have to update my video collection. You bring home a girl with a Bachelor’s degree, I’m told ‘The Incredibles’ will still get you laid.”
With a throaty rasp, one fellow in the back suggested a compromise – that the pedophilic crowd consider dating the nearly or “barely” legal 18 year olds. He was quickly shouted down.
“Do the math, dumb ass; 18 will be the New 3. That’s just sick.”
Shuffling off, he was heard to mumble, “I don’t need this abuse. And now I’m late for Mass.”