Although barraged by rampant piracy and downloadable entertainment options, CD and DVD sales around the world are lifting, thanks to the release of more crap than any other time in history.
“2004 has started out as a great year for crap,” indicated RIAA spokesman Tony Maroni. “And that can only mean big bucks for the entertainment industry.”
Consumers are swamping local Wal-Mart and Media Play outlets, whose shelves are lined with crap, pap and worthless shit. And it’s selling at a brisk pace.
“You can keep your John Mayer and your Steely Dan. How many folks really have the musical training to appreciate them? Or time to listen to lyrics that well crafted? Nobody. Sure, sure, the intellectuals can, but in this country – how small a market is that?”
Instead, innumerable copies of “Honkin’ on Bobo” by Aerosmith and “Damito Jo” by Janet Jackson are disappearing into a virtual maelstrom of sales.
“We can’t keep the lame shit stocked,” shouted Johnny Dell, a night stocker at a Target Superstore in Boise, Idaho, trying to be heard over shoppers pushing and shoving to buy the last few copies of Clay Aiken’s latest release.
And it’s not just music, gobs of really awful movies are more popular than ever.
“We must sell, oh, 100 ‘Scooby Doo II’ DVDs for every ‘Lost in Translation.’ That art stuff sucks, everyone thinks so,” added Johnny.
The need for ridiculous amounts of crap and worthless shit have caused studios to dig deep into their catalogs to find the dregs of entertainment for re-release.
“Oh yeah,” added RIAA’s Mr. Maroni, “We’re retooling the whole Guns n’ Roses back catalog. Bonus tracks, shmonus tracks – they’ll buy absolute garbage. And there’s all the Wesley Snipes and Dolph Lundgren movies which were out of print – until now. After that, Corbin Bernsen has about 500 straight to video turds we can begin polishing.”
“Crap is king, crap is gold – hell, crap is platinum. Put down the Coen Brothers and the Diana Krall and dirty yourself with an Lizzie McGuire box set, waste some time with ‘H.R. Puffenstuff, Season One,’ baby. Americans love this crap like the French love their stinky cheese.”