OTTAWA, CANADA – In a 14-hour operation requiring two teams of cardiac surgeons, the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was successfully removed from a Christian man’s heart.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a vote that spilled across partisan lines, members of the Senate agreed it was high-time to pull the plug on Republicans, long-considered either brain-dead or -damaged by doctors.

SAN DIEGO, CA – Whale song, one of the most beautiful and mysterious forms of communication known to nature, has suddenly become a lot more clear.

PALM BEACH, FLORIDA – C.K. Dexter-Haven, divorced municipal bond attorney, admits he should have known something was “up” when God started sending him text messages through his wireless Blackberry.

BETHESDA, MD – From a joint venture between Pfizer and Bell Laboratories comes an astonishing new free energy source, with one little ethical drawback.

ATLANTA, GA – In a statewide referendum that passed with overwhelmingly numbers, Georgians have decided they will operate the state on prayer and faith in God rather than on the mysterious, invisible vagaries of electricity.

JACKSON, MI – At first, I was kinda jazzed. I figure when a time traveler appears out of nowhere, in a weird shimmery way, and starts watching you, that means you’re real important in the future. Maybe a President or inventor or the first guy to meet aliens.