AUSTIN, TX – With a nod to its aging members, the American Pedophile Association announced today in a press conference across the street from Bennion Elementary that more is now less; for the Boomer generation, 25 years old is the New 10.

BAGHDAD, IRAQ – While much of the western media dwells on civilian casualties from unchecked sectarian and insurgent violence, Department of Defense officials insist there’s a bright story of improved quality of life and renewed municipal services hiding behind the bloodshed and shrill, screaming shrapnel.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – To show the veracity of its claims that North Korea is a growing threat to world peace, U.S. intelligence officials presented spy satellite photos which they say “clearly show” the exact position of nuclear weapons in a northern Korean province.

SAN DIEGO, CA – Whale song, one of the most beautiful and mysterious forms of communication known to nature, has suddenly become a lot more clear.

During court martial proceedings against him, Army Spc. Charles Graner explained that stripping Iraqi prisoners naked and forming them into blindfolded human pyramids at the Abu Ghraib prison was simply his way of teaching insurgent captives the four food groups.

PHUKET, THAILAND – Not everyone is bemoaning the death and destruction wrought by an historic tsunamai that quickly terminated 150,000 Asian lives.
Xiao Li, for example.

NORTH POLE, ARCTIC – On the first business day after Christmas, in what it is calling a “piracy sweep of global proportions,” the RIAA – on behalf of the record labels it represents – filed copyright infringement lawsuits in civil courts around the world against Santa Claus and millions of Christian children.